The Duel – Crazy Donald and Crooked Hilary
with apologies to Eugene Field
The Blustering Don and the Parsing Cat
Side by side by the lecterns sat;
‘T was half-past twelve, and (what do you think!)
Nor one nor t’ other had slept a wink!
The Moderator Weak and the Trump Mate
Appeared to know as sure as fate
There was going to be a terrible spat.
(I was n’t there; I simply state
What was told to me by the Trump Mate!)
The Blustering Don went “Crooked email-wow!”
And the Parsing Cat replied “A foul!”
The air was littered, an hour or so,
with bits of fluster and dough.
While Moderator Weak in debate place
with his hands before his face,
For he had always dreaded a family row!
(Now mind: I’m only telling you
What the old Moderator Weak declares is true!)
The Trump Mate looked very blue,
And wailed, “Oh, dear! what shall we do!”
But the Blustering Don and the Parsing Cat
Wallowed this way and tumbled that,
Employing every tooth and claw
In the awfullest way you ever saw—
And, oh! how the bluster and parsing flew!
(Don’t fancy I exaggerate—
I got my news from the Trump Mate!)
Next morning, where the two had sat
They found no trace of Don or Cat;
And some folks think unto this day
The Green Party stole that pair away!
But the truth about the Cat and Don
Is this: they ate each other anon!
Now what do you really think of that!
(The old Moderator Weak told me so,
And that is how I came to know.)